Issue 50 / December 2012


"There's this one I can't get out of my head. We're doing all these signs, you see, for the London Olympics. Mainly last-minute stuff. But there's this one sign in particular."

Toilets for Olympians By Thaddeus Hickman

Nev is left standing alone at the restaurant bar. He watches the back of the tall waiter disappear through the kitchen doors. It's only early and nearly all the tables are full. An Italian restaurant in London Fields, he thought he'd be on safe ground, thought it would be relaxed, down-to-earth, cheap. Or cheap enough. Labels of famous brands pepper the walls like hunting trophies - walls stripped of plaster to display dusty brick and rusting metal, as if this were an architectural find. Large abstract paintings look down, smug about their complexity. Waiters greet and fawn with a snobbish, unhappy air. While their customers nestle into their role as the rightful elite.
       Nev pulls out his mobile for something different to look at. No texts, no calls, just a cracked screen and loose keyboard. He's twenty-two minutes early - he's always early or late, always waiting or apologising. He climbs up onto a bar stool, which is surprisingly tall. It starts to wobble and his short legs, unable to find a foothold, panic and flail.
       "Good evening, Sir," says a clipped accent.
       Nev grabs the bar and swivels to face the voice. A barman is looking at him and seems to be waiting for an answer. Though he might simply be allowing Nev enough time to admire how well groomed he is, how handsome.
       "Perhaps a drink, Sir?" says the barman. He hands Nev a metallic menu. Nev flicks through its stiff pages but seems to have lost the ability to read. He sighs and puts the menu down. "A gin and tonic," he says and finds himself silently watching the barman as he embarks on an elaborate performance of scooping up ice, letting unwanted cubes fall to the floor, halving and squeezing a lime, and suddenly throwing a green bottle into the air, where, at its apex, above the barman's head, it seems to slow as it turns, before falling with precision into a waiting hand. The barman's expression doesn't change, as if this is normal, as if this is how he might make a cup of tea. Nev doesn't want to watch him pour the gin from two foot above the glass so he turns to scowl across the restaurant.
       He tries to remember what she looks like.
       Nothing really comes to mind. Her hair: possibly mousy. Her eyes? Yes, he remembers her eyes. Inquisitive. Always watching, always attentive, whenever he went into the pet shop. That dark space with the lit-up tanks he loves to peer into, for species he's yet to meet. "The one with the green flash," he said, pointing to what was to be his first Neon Tetra, and they both bent forward watching her net slowly sink into the tank.
       A woman with black spiky hair is standing next to him. Her eyes, blinking in a small face, seem familiar.
       "Hello Neville," she says, hesitating, then holds out a hand.
       "Oh," he says, "Steph?" and extends his hand while trying to get down off the stool but almost falls. He quickly stands up straight, facing her. She's slightly taller than him, he remembers now. "Good of you to turn up," he says. "I mean, to meet up."
       She laughs and puts one hand to her mouth.
       "Sorry," she says and holds out her hand again.
       They shake hands awkwardly, like they're pretending.
       "Your table is now ready." It's the tall waiter again. He turns and walks away solemnly. They follow him like children. Steph is in front carrying a carpet bag with huge hoops for handles. It almost touches the floor. She looks over her shoulder and gives Nev a quick smile. He tries to smile back but she's already turned around.
       Once seated, they talk about how lucky it is that they're both early, how useful Google Maps is, how sticky the weather is. Nev wants to say "and how London Fields has been infiltrated by posh, skinny twats" but doesn't, he just watches in silence as Steph picks up her napkin for the umpteenth time, refolds it carefully and places it back on her lap. It would be so much easier, he thinks, if people were like fish. Though maybe short on conversation, they don't worry about being liked or not. They're just happy swimming around.
       "Shall we get a drink?" says Steph. She opens the metallic menu.
       Nev looks back towards the bar. He can't see if his gin and tonic is still there. "Sure," he says. "That's a good idea." He decides to take the lead and summon the waiter. With his arm in the air, he turns to find the waiter is already at his side.
       Steph asks if the waiter can recommend some wine. He's clearly pleased with the request, asks a few questions, then drones on about grapes and vineyards.
       "Is the house white alright?" say Steph.
       "Absolutely, madam."
       Nev shrugs, then nods. The waiter leaves.
       "So how did you find this place?" she says.
       Nev only lives up the road in Clapton, but Clapton isn't the place for a date. It's bad enough having to live there. So he chose London Fields, because people were always telling him it was the place to go, had things going on. And although Nev lives only minutes away on the bus, he's never gone out for a night here. Not that he goes for a night out anywhere.
       "Found it online," he says. "It had 4 stars."
       "4 stars?" she says. "Well, that must be good."
       "Definitely," he says.
       "Italian food," she says. "I love Italian food."
       "Me too," he says, and stops himself from saying that there isn't much food he doesn't love.
       Their wine arrives and the waiter wants one of them to acknowledge the label he's displaying.
       "Sure, that's the one," says Nev, though he can't remember what they ordered.
       Now the waiter wants Nev to taste it. Here we go, thinks Nev. He picks up the glass and frowns at the splash of wine inside. Both Steph and the waiter are watching him. He sips noisily, trying to discern the wine's quality or a characteristic he can put into words. He wishes he knew something about wine, but he doesn't. He nods approval.
       "So," she says, "you haven't been down the pet shop for a while."
       "No," he says and takes a slow sip. "Work and stuff, you know?"
       "Ah-ha," she says, and looks around the restaurant. She roughs up her hair with one hand. "Died it black," she says. "Got bored with Mouse."
       They both laugh, though he suspects he laughs for too long. He thinks of saying that mousy wasn't how he would have described her hair.
       The waiter reappears to top up their glasses again, as if there's a correct speed to drink to and they're falling behind.
       She asks about the work he's been busy with.
       "Oh, it's dull really," he says, and tries to think of a more interesting subject.
       "Dull eh?" she says, as if that makes it all the more interesting. She puts down the menu and waits.
       "Signs," he says.
       "Signs" she repeats.
       "I make signs."
       "You're not a druid, are you?"
       "Oh no, nothing like that." He drinks half his glass in two gulps and wonders if she noticed. "Commercial signs," he continues, "like: This way out. Or: Don't stick head out of window."
       "Don't run into walls," she suggests.
       "Exactly," he says. "You'd laugh at some of the ones we get."
       The waiter arrives, takes their food orders, fusses with menus and drinks.
       "Like what ones?" she says.
       "Well, there's a road sign that you'll see around Brentford. All around the place. It's one of those brown signs, for historical importance. It's in the shape of an arrow."
       "What does it point to, this arrow?"
       "Secret nuclear bunker."
       She laughs a wonky laugh. "That's crazy."
       "But there's this one I can't get out of my head. We're doing all these signs, you see, for the London Olympics. Mainly last-minute stuff. But there's this one sign in particular."
       "Toilets for Olympians."
       She claps her hands and repeats slowly: "Toilets for Olympians."
       He leans forward. "This week alone I've made this sign seventy-eight times."
       "Wow, that's a lot of Olympians busting for the loo."
       "And I keep wondering about these toilets. What are they like? I mean, it's not a place where mere mortals can go. You've got to be an Olympian, right?"
       "Right," she says, nodding earnestly.
       "I kind of imagine it's a place for godly beings - wearing togas, no doubt. Giant figures wandering around palatial pillars and majestic archways. All very Ancient Greece-like. But a toilet."
       "A guy on the door playing a harp."
       "Definitely a harp."
       They lean back as the waiter puts down their starters: bruschetta for him, melon and prosciutto for her.
       "You'll have to go and see for yourself," she says.
       "But that's the thing. Only Olympians are allowed in. The sign is very clear about that."
       "That's true," she says. "Very clear."
       "All mortals can do, surely, is be on the outside and try to imagine the splendour within, the godliness of it all." He sits back meaningfully. "And accept that we will never be Olympians."
       They eat silently for a while. He wants to pick up the bruschetta and eat with his hands.        The garlicky bread and mozzarella-basil-combo is delicious. "Mmm," he says.
       She smiles but doesn't eat much.
       "You know," she says. "The funny thing about my job is that it feels like the most unambitious thing I've ever done."
       Nev wonders if he's ever done anything ambitious.
       "But I love it," she says. "It's deeply satisfying."
       Nev tries to think of another person he knows who even likes his job.
       "The money's a pittance. But I get to play with animals all day." She explains how she has to remind herself that they're not all hers. She picks up the bottle and pours more wine.
       He's looking down at where his bruschetta was moments ago and has to stop himself from wiping his index finger across the plate and asking if she doesn't want hers can he finish it.
       "But the best bit," she says, "is matching up owner and pet."
       "How do you mean?"
       She puts her knife and fork down on her plate, though she can't have eaten more than half. "Deep down, you've got to be a matchmaker. Most people who come and visit us have no idea this is going on, of course. We aim for them to walk out of the shop believing that the new pet they cradle in their arms so lovingly was destined for them. We take a backseat role, you see, guide them to the right match, one that will hopefully work out."
       That's what they could have done with, thinks Nev, him and his ex-girlfriend Tricia: some wise matchmaker to point out their incompatibility and steer them in separate directions.        Avoiding all that inevitable pain. He thinks of that night, when he arrived at the pub she worked at. It was closing-time; someone said she'd gone to the Ladies. So he went outside to wait and smoke. As he approached their red Fiesta, its nose sticking out from behind a monster-sized motorbike, he realised someone was in the car. It took him a moment to realise that it was Tricia, in the passenger seat, her back to the windscreen - unmistakeably her red leather jacket. She moved up and down with rhythmic control, her long dark hair covering whoever was underneath. All he could do was stand there and stare, feeling hollow and defeated.
       "Are you okay?" says Steph. "Your pizza looks good."
       He looks at the Piccante he ordered. Its crusty edges overlapping the large plate, with generous portions of salami and ham, of mozzarella and knobbly chillies. He sees all this, as he does the cheese that's still bubbling. He can feel its seductive power working on his senses, promising more than it could possibly deliver. Because that's not how things work out. Not for him anyway. After the car park scene, later that night, Tricia arrived home and asked him why he was sitting in the kitchen looking at his hands, not saying anything. He told her, quietly, what he'd seen. She took him by surprise and denied it, said that he'd imagined the whole thing - that he was either stoned or drunk. Why hadn't he done something then, she said, there in the car park? No one would have stood there and done nothing, she said, getting angrier and more abusive.
       "Pepper, Sir?"
       "What?" says Nev, looking up to see the waiter holding a giant pepper grinder above his plate. It must be a foot and a half long. And though it's wooden like other ones he's seen, it's painted a showy silver.
       The waiter waggles it, as if tempting a dog with a fresh bone. "Pepper?"
       "I never understand why those things are so large," says Nev, his voice surprisingly angry.        "And that is unbelievably large. It's like a giant's chess piece."
       Steph laughs. But Nev and the waiter don't. "Seriously," he continues, "why is it that size?"
       The waiter says he doesn't know but that he could ask the manager. He asks again if Nev would like some.
       Nev doesn't want any pepper. Just as he doesn't want any of this place or this waiter standing over him, but he can't say any of this. So he shrugs his shoulders and mumbles,               "Sure." He watches the peppercorn fragments fall on his food like unwanted ash from a neighbour's bonfire.
       Steph half cuts up, half pulls apart her pizza, which she then eats with her hands. Nev knows he should be impressed with this, that that's how he normally eats pizza, but he's beginning to feel he shouldn't be here, that he shouldn't have come out in the first place.
       "We haven't talked about your fish," she says. "Your collection."
       "Ah," he says and finishes his glass. "I've stopped collecting for a while."
       "Really?" A large piece of pizza hangs from her hand as she waits. Bits of pepperoni, chilli and cheese slide and fall to her plate. "You're not getting rid of your fish?"
       "My ex-girlfriend," he says.
       "She took your fish?"
       He shakes his head. "I came home a few days after we had a row. I went into the kitchen and saw empty spaces where before there had been things - ordinary things, like a toaster. A microwave. A pile of magazines. Stuff now missing. I was going to check the rest of the flat when I heard this strange sound, a burbling sound. I opened the door to the lounge and was hit by this horrific smell. I fumbled for the light, then saw what she'd done. It was the fish tank. The water was bubbling all right - but not normal bubbling to oxygenate and all that. The water in my fish tank was boiling - and had been boiling for hours."
       "Jesus," says Steph. Both her hands fall to the table.
       "I've got an old aquarium heater of my dad's. The temperature can play up a bit but it's good for big tanks. When I looked, the dial had been forced way past maximum."
       "I couldn't get rid of the smell for weeks. Actually, I still can't."
       "Total bitch," she says and slaps the table. Customers seated nearby turn and give disapproving looks. Steph empties her glass and shares out the last of the wine.
       "What did you say when you saw her?"
       "I haven't seen her." He pushes his plate away, his pizza hardly touched.
       "Didn't you have some desire to, well," she says, "confront her?"
       "I don't know," he says. But he does know that he doesn't want to be here any longer. He looks around the restaurant. "I don't even like this place," he says.
       She follows his gaze.
       "I'm sorry," he says, "I don't know what I was thinking, telling you this stuff."
       She looks unconvinced. "Sure," she says. "Don't worry about it." She's looking in her bag.
       He picks up his wine glass but it's empty.
       "Shall we get the bill?" she says. She signals to the waiter and stands up. "I'll pop to the Ladies first." She takes her bag with her.
       Nev shuts his eyes and rubs his forehead. He knew he should have said no, that he wasn't ready for a date.
       The waiter puts the bill on the table, and as Nev is taking out his wallet Steph arrives back. She insists on going fifty-fifty. The waiter starts collecting their plates. He looks aggrieved that they've left so much of their food. They make half-hearted attempts about not being hungry as they stand up and leave.
       They don't say anything as they walk back through the restaurant and briefly wait as a large group pours in through the entrance.
       Once outside they stand looking up and down the street.
       "I don't know what to say," says Nev.
       "I do," she says. "That an answer needs to be found."
       "Sorry?" he says.
       "An answer," she repeats, "for what we're going to do with this." And out of her bag she pulls the giant pepper grinder.

Nev has never stolen anything in his life. This is what he's thinking as he looks at the silvery object in his hands. He half expects the waiter to come tearing out of the restaurant, shouting and threatening them with the police.
       Steph puts her arm through his and gives him a tug. They walk towards the canal, slowing over the small bridge to look down at dark-moving water. Nothing seems to make sense, thinks Nev. And yet, he has the feeling that that might be okay.
       "This'll do," says Steph.
       They're standing outside a stark-looking pub called The Endurance. It's surrounded on three sides by council blocks, making it look squat and obstinate. There are no people crowding the pavement out front, smoking and drinking, as is normal with most London pubs in summer.
       Steph takes the pepper grinder from Nev. "Our good luck charm," she says, turns and enters the pub.
       Inside, the place is large like a hall, and with only a scattering of customers, it feels empty. Above the bar, which is in the centre like an island, hang large glaring bulbs. All around the walls there are tables in semi-darkness. Steph marches over to one table and puts down the pepper grinder. "This'll be us," she says.
       After a few rounds of drinks Steph says, "Don't you feel wronged, deep down?"
       "Sure," says Nev, nodding. He pushes the pepper grinder away from him a few inches, like he's making a move in a giant board game. Then he looks up. "But it's like the relationship had to, well, throw itself on the rocks."
       "So the relationship boiled your fish?"
       "Look," he says, "what am I supposed to do?"
       She looks at him in silence, then pushes the pepper grinder back towards him. "Beat her to death with this." They both laugh.
       "And what about you?" he says. "No animal-killing ex-boyfriends stalking you?"
       "No," she says, with certainty. "I kill them off when I'm finished with them."
       She goes off to the bar for another round. He watches her kneeling on a bar stool calling out to the barman. He tries to imagine Tricia here, in this pub. But he can't. He can't even bring an image of her to mind. He's drunk of course, he knows that. He can feel his body relaxing, as if he's been holding his breath for a long time but didn't know it.
       "I got some shots too," says Steph, putting down the tray.
       "Good," he says. "I'll be back in a minute," and he makes his way to the Gents.
       When he returns, a man is sitting in his seat opposite Steph. His hair is white and slicked back, and he's wearing a bright red shiny shirt stretched tight around his tubby torso. Nev stands at the end of the table. He doesn't know what to do. The man looks at Nev then turns back to Steph. "Like I was saying," he says, "I'm getting on but I can still hold my own, you know what I mean?"
       "That's good to know," says Steph, "and thanks for visiting."
       The man turns back to Nev. "So you're the fearsome fella that's going to make me move, huh?" he says and smiles a big toothy grin.
       "Mister," says Steph.
       The man stands up and, as he is pushing past Nev, he raises his fists suddenly, making Nev jump back. The man laughs and goes over to the bar.
       As Nev sits down Steph pushes a shot his way. "Here's to avoiding animal-killers," she says and raises her glass.
       Nev sighs and lifts his shot. They go to chink their shot glasses together but they only make a plasticky sound. The tequila makes Nev wince. He sucks on a lime until the pain subsides.
       "I think I'm done with the tequila," he says. "Besides, I've got an idea."

He's carrying her carpet bag over his shoulder and can feel the weight of the four cans they've just bought. He's telling her how he's always wanted to do this, for the six years he's lived in London.
       They're walking along a residential street on the south side of Victoria Park. Nev is wondering why there's no one around when a tall man wearing a hoodie appears from nowhere and walks past. The smell of skunk is strong. Nev waits until he's out of sight, then walks over to a concrete bin next to the park fence. "Here we are," he announces. "The VIP entrance."
       "Ah, the ceremonial bin," she says, and he helps her climb up, where she sways for a moment, then carefully puts a foot between two spikes in the railings.
       "When you're ready," he says, "then..." But she's already jumped, shrieked and thudded to the ground.
       She's in the shadow of the trees and he can't really see her. "Are you okay?" he says.
       She begins to laugh.
       He pushes the bag through the railings and climbs onto the bin. It wobbles, then steadies. He thinks his foot might be too wide and get stuck when he jumps. "Whoa," he calls out as he lands on all fours.
       "Wow," she says. "Cat-like."
       Now they're walking through trees but it's dark and they're having trouble seeing where they're going. She trips and grabs hold of him and they both giggle. He feels his eyes adjust to the light and starts to see the texture of the ground around them. It's more like a silvery forest than a park.
       "It's quiet in here," she whispers.
       "Up there ahead," he says, pointing.
       The trees give way to an open space. It's the size of a football pitch and bathed in moonlight. It's surrounded by tall dark trees.
       "Amazing," says Steph and steps out into the moonlit park. "It's like our own private garden." She stands in silence for a moment, taking it all in. Then she sits down and methodically takes out the cans one by one from her bag, then the pepper grinder, which glints in the light. She hands Nev a beer and opens one herself.
       He watches her pull off her shoes.
       "I want to feel the grass between my toes," she says, stands up and walks around, like she's trying on new shoes in a shop.
       "How does it feel?"
       "Soft and tickly," she says, looking down at her feet. Her toes wriggle. "Try it for yourself."
       He sits down, undoes the laces of one shoe and pulls it off. He takes off his sock, which he rolls into a ball and stuffs deep into his shoe. He's undoing the laces on his other shoe when he sees she's staring across the park. His chest tightens. "What is it?" he says, following her gaze, scanning the open space.
       "I used to have a fantasy," she says. "I'd forgotten about it until this moment." She puts down her beer and starts undoing her belt.
       "What kind of fantasy?"
       She pulls her trousers down to her knees and balances on her left leg while she pulls out her right. Then she stamps on her trousers until they're off. Her legs are slender and seem unnaturally white. She's wearing dark, sporty-looking knickers.
       "In this fantasy, I'm running through a forest and it feels wonderful, like this is where I really belong. I'm running like an animal, naked and free. The air tickling my skin. And it's thrilling." She pulls her T-shirt over her head revealing a small strip of a bra and a slender figure. She's like a deer, Nev thinks, a pale-skinned deer.
       "You ready?" she says and looks over at him. "For a lap of the park?"
       He doesn't know what to say.
       She undoes her bra and lets it drop and starts walking away from him.
       He stands and stares for a moment. Then pulls off his top in a rush. His trousers fall heavy to the ground. He's only wearing his pants now, his fat body exposed to the world. An inner voice is telling him not to do it. He's teetering on the edge of being ludicrous.
       "Come on!" she yells and starts bouncing on the spot, moving her outstretched arms from her side to above her head. She's an everyday runner doing everyday warm-ups, he tells himself. He knows he must be grinning like a fool.
       In one bending movement her knickers are gone and she's off running.
       "Hold on," he shouts, laughing, his underpants stuck around one leg.
       And now they're both running, crying out, jumping. Naked in a London park, thinks Nev. She sprints ahead of him. She's pulling him along, through the night, to somewhere he doesn't know. Her crazy energy, her athletic body, her effortless movement. And her buttocks, he thinks, tight and fleshy, stretching and contracting. His body feels young and capable. He's never run like this, not even at school. They zigzag around each other, run backwards, and side by side. She raises her right arm and cries out across the park, "Olympians!" And he does the same, "Olympians!" they cry out together, their arms up, their chests puffed out, looking over to the trees, their audience, who worship them. "Olympians!" they cry.
       As they reach the far end, when they're halfway around, Steph turns and says, "and now the race back." She looks straight ahead and cries "To the death!" and she's off, sprinting, powerfully. Unstoppable. Nev laughs, he knows he won't even try to compete. He slows to an easier pace, happy to jog. His footsteps seem to echo oddly. And they're getting louder and more out of sync somehow. He looks around and sees the tall man in the hoodie running behind him and he's already close.
       "Fucking Jesus," says Nev, then looks ahead but Steph hasn't noticed yet.
       The man is making ground fast. His hoodie slides down revealing a face worn and scrawny, his eyes manic. Nev tries to make his legs run faster as the man, now drawing level, looks up and down Nev's body and grins. "Hey, naked man," he shouts, "where you running to?" He half laughs, half barks at Nev, looks ahead and races on towards Steph. Nev feels a deep fear twist his guts. "Steph!" he cries out. "Steph!" She turns round for the first time, screams something he can't understand. "Keep running!" he shouts. His lungs are in pain, he's not made for this. He's losing ground quickly. Steph runs past their starting point and on into the trees. The man follows her. Nev reaches where they'd left their stuff and falls to his knees. He can't breathe. He gropes for the pepper grinder. Then he's up again, trying to run. Towards the trees. But he can't see them. Steph cries out. There she is, a white figure looking out from behind a tree. The man jumps from one side of the tree to the other, taunting, like he's playing with a child. Now he's got her by the arm, pulling her. She's screaming, trying to pull away. But then the man stops and looks round. Steph does the same. They're watching Nev as he approaches. The man lets go of Steph and starts barking like a dog, crazed and loud. Suddenly he's running at Nev, who steps backwards, almost tripping, and swings the pepper grinder in fear. There's a brief, wooden echo as the man is hit on the forehead and he slumps to his knees. Nev shocks himself by hitting the man a second time and watches as he keels over, landing silently in the grass.
       Steph comes over to Nev's side and they look down at the man. Their panting is loud and uneven.
       "You don't think he's dead do you?" she says.
       "Dead?" says Nev, trying to understand the word.
       Then the man sits bolt upright, like he's just been woken up in bed. He looks from side to side, touches his forehead and looks at his hand. "Oh no," he says, "Oh no." He only then seems to notice Nev and Steph and springs to his feet. Staggers. Nev raises the pepper grinder in reflex, feeling scared and yet capable of more violence. He knows the man sees it. "Stay away!" shouts the man and turns to run back across the park, but he lists and falls to one knee. He mumbles to himself, trying to get back to his feet. Then he's running again, like a comical drunk. Every so often he turns around and shouts something abusive Nev can't understand. And every time Nev raises the pepper grinder and waggles it, like he's teasing a dog who can only threaten from a distance. Steph's hand feels warm as they stand there together, silent and naked, watching the figure get smaller and smaller. And then, one last time, not knowing if the man can see them any longer, Nev lifts the silver pepper grinder high into the air, as if it were a trophy they had fought for, or a torch that reaches up into the sky and casts its luminous light across the entire park.


Thaddeus Hickman has just completed an MA in Creative Writing at Birkbeck. His short fiction has been published in the Mechanics' Institute Review, issue 8 (MIR8), the anthology A Thousand Natural Shocks and the Ether Books short story app. His story "Picturing Her" appears in MIR9.


Tuesday, 11 September, 2012


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